A family of four recently caught my eye at the beach. Lying side by side on a blanket under a cloudless sky, with sand toys and a picnic basket carefully laid out, this family had the makings of a perfect San Diego day. But something was off. None of them were captivated by the beckoning waves or ideal sandcastle-building conditions. With heads bent and eyes glued to four individual smartphones, whatever was happening on their devices had hijacked their time together.
The constant, steady presence of technology is everywhere and it’s here to stay. We tell ourselves it's a tool for staying connected—and to some degree, it is. But if not managed properly, technology can have devastating long-term consequences, interrupting togetherness and disconnecting us from the people we care about most. Here’s how to keep technology from ruining family relationships.
HOW WE GOT HERE
The lines between work, school and home life continue to blur as technology powers everything from working remotely and retrieving homework assignments to scheduling family appointments. Constant connection is the new norm, so it makes sense that smartphones are rarely out of reach. It's not uncommon to pick up a call or check messages right in the middle of a conversation. Who among us hasn't said, "Sorry, this is important," while holding up a finger to indicate you'll make it quick?
It’s true that using screens to entertain is easier for parents than wrangling a toddler through the grocery store or asking her to sit quietly in a restaurant. It feels harmless—there’s plenty of great educational content kids can watch. And sometimes parents just need a minute to complete a task, a thought or (let's face it) to check phones.
While there's no denying that technology is valuable and necessary, it's a mistake to believe that constant connection to everything and everyone doesn't come at a cost to our relationships.
WHAT'S HAPPENING BEHIND THE SCREENS
Sitting side by side on the sofa plugged into our screens is not the kind of quality time that relationships need to deepen and grow. According to Catherine Steiner-Adair, EdD, therapist and author of The Big Disconnect, technology has changed the basic construct of relationships. “It has triangulated our connections with each other, becoming the ubiquitous third party in our conversations, sometimes connecting us, but often interrupting us and ultimately disconnecting us.”
Every time we choose technology over being fully present, we send a message that whatever is happening on our devices is more important than the people we're with.
Children who repeatedly absorb this message learn to seek connection and affirmation elsewhere—often turning to more technology themselves. Over time, this pattern results in lower self-esteem, an inability to self-regulate emotions like boredom or loneliness, and ultimately, a distance between loved ones that isn't easy to overcome.
Kids need uninterrupted family time to learn and grow. Especially important is eye contact, which researchers say is vital for emotional development. We're far more likely to miss the opportunity for eye contact if we're all looking at a screen while waiting for a meal at a restaurant (or waiting for anything at all). These moments for potential connection are moments we can't get back.
For more tips, read “8 Simple Secrets of Happy Families.”
HOW TO TAME TECH IN YOUR FAMILY
- Create a family philosophy around tech that prioritizes your values and sets boundaries for everyone, not just kids. Limiting screen time as a family helps children feel less like limits are a punishment, but are part of a healthy, balanced life that prioritizes face-to-face relationships.
- Model healthy habits that demonstrate what you value. If you're always looking at your phone, kids learn that it must be interesting, fun and essential to look at, and they will follow suit. Putting down your device and giving each other undivided attention sends a powerful message about what matters.
- Verbalize your feelings when tempted to reach for your phone and talk about alternatives to help children learn to identify feelings and healthy habits. Say something like, "Waiting is hard. Let's play a game to pass the time," to show kids how to connect during downtime moments. Ask each other silly questions, play a game or simply enjoy a few quiet minutes together.
- Brainstorm how to develop a healthy, balanced, realistic approach to tech use as a family. Schedule no-tech or low-tech time to connect and play together. Provide plenty of offline opportunities to spend time together doing things outdoors such as hiking, walking at the beach or playing at the park.
POWER DOWN TECHNOLOGY TO POWER UP YOUR FAMILY
While technology keeps us connected to the world of work, school and entertainment, it turns our attention away from people who are present. It can disconnect us from the comfort, trust and security that come from strong family bonds.
"The one eternal and incontrovertible truth about families,” says Steiner-Adair, “is that children need their parents' time and attention. Families thrive when parents have strong, healthy relationships with their children."
When families set intentional guidelines around technology use, they grow deep and lasting relationships where each member benefits from real-life loving connections.
Jody Lee Cates is the local award-winning writer behind our column “Parenting with Purpose.” Read more of Jody’s articles by putting her name in the search bar.
This article won an “Excellence in Journalism” award from San Diego Press Club! See details and all the San Diego Family awards HERE.
