Challenges for older dads
"There is no greater challenge than to have someone relying upon you." -Kingman Brewster, Jr.
While the majority of children are born to fathers between the ages of 20 and 34, becoming a later-in-life dad is a distinct trend. Current research indicates that since 1980, birth rates have increased 40 percent for men ages 35 to 49.
I’m 40 with an 18-month-old daughter and, believe me, becoming a father challenges you in unexpected ways, especially when you become a father later in life.
Physically, emotionally and financially, a baby can come as a shock to the established pattern of an older father’s life. Here are several challenges and concerns that other later-in-life dads have shared with me, as well as a couple of my own.
Getting Enough Sleep
Gone are the days of staying up late, getting up early and being able to run all day long. As older dads, we need to “ration our rest” so we have the energy to keep up with our kids as they grow (and even more so during those first few sleepless weeks).
The advice that’s been given to new moms for years is just as good for us—rest when the baby rests. Discover the joys of power napping. Maintain a healthy sleeping pattern, getting to bed on time and maintaining a good sleep plan, including:
- Good diet and exercise.
- A comfortable mattress, as soft or firm as required.
- An environment conducive to sleep (dark, quiet and relaxing.)
There are going to be enough late nights, sick nights, and 3 a.m. wake-up calls that can’t be avoided. Make the most of every opportunity!
Little in Common with the Younger Parents of your Children’s Friends
As embarrassing as it is to admit, I have a hard time following the conversations of my “peers” at playgroup. I don’t know their bands, I’m not up on their lingo, and I couldn’t care less about the latest video games.
Instead of focusing on our differences, I try to start conversations on topics that we might share an interest in, like sports, hobbies or the thing we all have in common … our kids!
The upside—and there’s always an upside—is that many of my “old” friends have kids who are now babysitting age!
Change Can be More Difficult
Let’s face it, the older we get, the more we become set in our ways. When I was 20, I was usually ready for anything. I could have a bag packed for a road trip in minutes, or be ready to move by the end of a weekend. Not anymore.
Now, I like to have a little time to think about changes, to consider my options and form a game plan. Is this a bad thing? Not at all! I make better decisions and fewer mistakes at 40 than I did at 20. So, give yourself a head start as early as you can (pre-pregnancy, if possible) and do some reading, take some notes and start making some plans.
Will there be unexpected and unavoidable changes? Sure! But, ask yourself this— would you rather be lost with a map, or without one?
Lack of Stamina
A number of later-in-life dads mentioned to me that their biggest concern was not being able to keep up with a toddler at 42, or a teenager at 55. I think this is a valid concern, and it’s one that I’ve certainly experienced myself.
Luckily, this is an easy one to fix. If you’re a dad over 40, get to the gym several times a week, take a hard look at your diet and make improvements, start walking more and sitting less. Not only will you have more energy for your kids, but you’ll look better, feel better and stick around longer as well!
Career Responsibilities
Many people in their 40s are in their peak earning years, having achieved a certain level of success in their career. It may be even more difficult at that point to start taking time off for children than it would have been in your 20s and 30s. Maybe you can’t be a stay-at-home dad, but does that mean you have to be in the office all week?
More and more businesses are waking up to the realization that job-sharing and telecommuting is often better for the company, better for the employee and better for the bottom line. Most stay-at-home dads I know are also (like me) work-at-home dads.
Explore your options!
Like most challenges in life, the road ahead can often seem daunting, but hey, you’ve made it this far in life haven’t you? Older dads often benefit from their additional life experience and problem-solving skills.
Besides, the rewards of being a later-in-life father are commensurate … that first smile, first step and all the other “firsts” that are waiting for us are our gold medals for being dads. Now, that’s a challenge worth facing.
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Novelist, blogger and award-winning travel writer Perry P. Perkins is a stay-at-home dad who lives with his wife Victoria and their daughter Grace.
