When an infant’s needs are met consistently over the first few months of life, she not only grows, but thrives. She views the world as a safe place and herself as a worthy, lovable person. This “secure attachment” the baby’s growing awareness that she can count on having her needs met enables the baby to use her parent as a “secure base.” She can venture out to explore the world, keeping an eye on mom (or dad), and returning to her side when she feels threatened or needs assurance. Research shows that children with a “secure base” are higher achievers, are more sociable and have fewer mental and emotional problems than insecurely attached infants. There is no magic involved in helping your baby build a secure attachment with you. Most parents do it instinctively, especially if they had secure bonds with their own parents.
Sensitivity and Responsiveness
As you and your baby get to know each other, you learn to recognize that she is hungry before she becomes distressed—by what time it is, by her rooting at your breast, by signs of fussiness. The infant communicates her needs to you, and the sensitive parent responds appropriately, feeding her when she is hungry, putting her down for a nap when she is tired, playing with her when she’s ready.
Sensitivity and responsiveness can be especially difficult if you are under a great deal of stress due to emotional or financial problems. Research shows that depression is especially detrimental to the parent-infant bond, so if you have symptoms (disturbed sleep or appetite, weepiness, unusual feelings of hostility or anger, inability to enjoy your baby), seek help immediately.
Baby’s Stress
Most childrearing experts no longer advocate letting a baby “cry it out.” Your baby’s neurological system is quite sensitive; long periods of high stress can prime her to be unable to calm herself later in life. As you calm her by holding her when she is upset, she learns to calm herself and regulate her own emotions. And no—you cannot spoil your baby this way.
Pay special attention to stressful occasions: when your baby visits the doctor, especially if she is getting shots, when she is in a crowded or noisy place, when she is sick or hospitalized. She needs extra assurance then. Research shows that your soothing voice and touch reduce her physical stress responses.
Quality and Quantity
The quantity of time you spend with your infant is important, too. Your baby becomes attached to her caregivers because they feed her when she is hungry and change her uncomfortable dirty diapers. Be sure that both parents meet baby’s basic needs and create those bonds.
Families in which one parent is at home with baby during the day should be alert to making sure baby has enough alone time with the other parent. A day or evening each week alone with each other builds both the baby’s and parent’s feelings of attachment.
Don’t be Too Hard on Yourself
All parents have bad days occasionally. Don’t feel guilty about messing up once in a while. It’s the pattern of parenting over time that will build a secure attachment in your baby and prepare her for a happy, successful life.