For children, a birthday party is the one day of the year when they get to be the focus of everyone’s attention. They have a party, they get tons of presents, and the day may also be a milestone towards a new privilege or a better allowance. The next birthday seems light years away and gloom descends on the Day After.
Your twins turned 4 yesterday, had the most exciting party ever, and today they are:
a) Moody and depressed
b) Hyper and bouncing off the walls
c) Sassy and defiant
d) All of the above
How can you help your child put things in perspective?
“One of the secrets to rearing happy children is teaching them to savor moments of pleasure and joy,” advises Aaron Cooper, Ph.D., author of I Just Want My Kids To Be Happy. “Why let a special day slip away when scrapbooks, souvenirs and photo albums can prolong the joy? Even phoning far-away friends and relatives to narrate the details will keep the spirit alive. The day after a birthday can be a day to relish, through memory, all the delights of what seemed to pass so quickly.”
Family therapist Betty Alkazian, founder of BalancedParenting.com, agrees. The mother of three girls says, “The day after the birthday can be a bit of a let down, but it’s also a good thing. Here’s why. The balance of having all focus on [one’s self] and then going back to normal is a good lesson in the balance of life.”
Alkazian sees birthdays as over-indulgence in gifts, sweets and attention but points out that children should realize that’s only 1/365th of the year. “We are all more likely to find happiness and fulfillment when we focus on what we can do for others. That’s the true lesson we can teach our children,” she advises.
Bust the blues by “planning something concrete, such as a movie outing for next month,” recommends Robin F. Goodman, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist. “Mark it on the calendar now to shift the focus. You might also start a suggestion box for next year’s birthday themes.”
Happy “Half-birthday”
Dr. Goodman is just one of many experts who recommend having half a birthday party. Our friend Jennifer’s birthday on January 10 was always overshadowed by the Christmas holidays, which made it even harder to wait for another Christmas-New Year’s-Birthday extravaganza. When she was ages 8 through 11 or so, her half-birthday on July 10 was her day to shine.
Half-birthday parties are also recommended by Shoshana Bennett, Ph.D., author of Postpartum Depression For Dummies. Bennett gave half-birthday parties for her own children. She also gave other, spontaneous parties to celebrate good grades at school or the completion of a complicated project.
Make Mine a Mini-party
“Mini-parties can be very little, maybe just a cupcake or singing ‘congratulations to you’ to the tune of the birthday song,” she says.
Karen Tinsley-Kim is a product developer whose 5-year-old counts the days until birthdays. No matter that tomorrow is Halloween or Valentine’s day—birthdays rule. Tinsley-Kim arranges a play date for the day after for her son with one, special friend. Birthdays are a “memorable and emotionally high experience” she admits, so she tells her son that “life goes on and it’s good, so be thankful.”
Making Memories Last
Nancy O’Neill, mother of a 13-year-old, takes much the same approach. “Our son wanted to go to Disneyland and take his best friend. The day after, he was depressed and grouchy.” Finally he admitted he was trying to forget the day, knowing it couldn’t happen again exactly the same way.
“Being brilliant parents,” Nancy grins, “We told him you can relive fun times as often as you wish because no one can take your memories away. We reminded him that, no matter how hard you try, you can’t make the same situation happen twice, so enjoy and remember. It seemed that a light bulb went off because the rest of his day wasn’t so gloomy.”
Phil Marcus is an attorney whose entire family celebrates birthdays for three days starting with B-1, the day before the birthday, when cards and e-cards begin. B-2 is for presents, cake and more cards and one last gift is saved for B-3, the day after.
Peter Emmenegger warns against making birthdays too big. “We always do something for both children [on each one’s birthday] and limit the number of people and gifts. Often, we put most of the items away for another day so the children don’t wallow in their loot like pirates. We try to put emphasis on being together and with friends,” he says.
Cynthia Hartwig, an R.N., is a no-nonsense disciplinarian who doesn’t leave time for post-party depression. “Here’s my guaranteed mood changer,” she says. She tells children, “Since you won’t get to play with your new toys until you finish your thank you notes, wouldn’t you like to sit down and get them over with?”
Works like a charm.
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Janet Groene is a freelance travel and parenting writer.
